Food exposure today. Had poutine with the boys. They love poutine. We can do all the recovery “things”, but at the end of the day if we continue to rationalize even the smallest eating disorder thought, or try to keep ourselves from restoring or maintaining weight- we will not leave our eating disorders behind us. It’s ok to be afraid, it’s ok to be distressed, it’s ok to uncomfortable and even angry. Your body needs food to survive and thrive. I’m so good at rationalizing my ED, to the point where I didn’t even realize what I was rationalizing was disordered, but if I want to prevent a revolving door of being in and out of treatment, I’m going to have to stop doing this. There is a difference between learning where the disorder thoughts originate from and using them as an excuse for my eating disorder. I am pushing hard right now, and doing it afraid. I’m doing what needs to be done day after day after day. I look forward to a day where it doesn’t feel like such a battle. I have done-and can do hard things.